A little mystery will keep them guessing

Don't ever reveal yourself Anonymous. You pissed me off
I really don't know who you are so in your best interest, don't tell me.

Apologies to the dead

Is it even worth it...?
To bother explaining myself
Lend me your hand oh wayward soul
And I'll be sure to throw you to the sharks
I'm not into letting my life get dictated by someone else
I'm not here to be told what not to do
I don't even know why I'm here
Welcome to the mind of a little child
Who wants nothing more than to return to the west
And hit the restart button
To try to make it work
We know he cannot
But we let him dream anyway because we believe
So don't throw your broken apologies
And your lies of saying well it's only fair
It's what they've all wanted...all along
If I believed that for a second
Then maybe I'd coax myself into living peacefully
Sing along Sing alone

Look at my perfection

If you wre to sy how great i am or how good of a person i was i 'd probably heave to ikill you zc
i'm drunj
and inkow only a FEW of you want me theres o fuck ut

Side Note

1.)Have fun
2.)Survive
3.)Don't forget that I'm always here ;)
4.)Yeah you.

It's all wrong

Forse un giorno sarò in grado di trovare qualche modo fuori di questo. Fino ad allora ... sarò miserabile. Spero che questo è quello che volevano

Do you think we could work out a song?

This needs to discussed.




1. I never used to be the kind to act on vengeance. I never used to hold a grudge as much as I do now. I never used to think it was healthy. I know it's not actually, but I find myself doing it. Especially to a few certain people. One or two of those people have hurt me, another person is not who they say they are, and well the last person is myself. I am not exactly sure where this blog will be going but I can say safely that I'm sure it'll be unpleasant. Back to what I had made this paragraph out to be...my vengeance. I'm holding grudges against people more than just those listed (they were just examples really) and I don't really know why all of the sudden I feel like it's something I should do. I try to let go of things as much as possible and simply 'let it be' but it's very hard when situations keep pilling up and the amount of baggage one must carry becomes too much. Needless to say it's getting to me...on an excessive level. You probably won't see it in my eyes and you may not recognize it at all but certain people, especially those I'm against at the current moment should realize there's some discord in the way we speak or act to one another. I'm angry, extremely. I really could use a drink at this very moment but the truth is I'm waiting. Yup...waiting. It's only for another 5 days and then it's my birthday so it's not like I'm really waiting all that long but nevertheless being the hypocrite I am, I will wait. It's sickening really what goes on in my head. Take for example the fact that I cannot in any way begin to describe how I feel about life at the moment. Before the 'incident' as I'll refer to it, I noticed a problem with my drinking but I decided to just let the week run its course and I'd be fine. It probably would've worked out that way if it hadn't been for that night. I guess there's just too many things going on in my head including my relationships, school, money problems, unhappiness, and the key to every broken song(2.) my family. For god's sake I cannot escape the turmoil that is my family. I hate it at every turn and I keep finding myself not able to run away. It's probably because I have entirely too much love for my mom though I will never understand why she's put with me. I wouldn't have, but I guess looking at the big picture I'm no where near as big a mess as some of the other members. Whatever. If it wasn't for her I probably wouldn't stick around. "But what about your friends?" They ask me. (3.) I love them...I don't care what anyone says I love each and everyone of the fuckers. I don't care who likes who or who doesn't like who or even if they have a problem with who I hang out. I really don't...and it may hurt them to see that but give me a break really. Let me hang out with who I want, in the end I'll stand up for who I think is right and then you can make your biased decisions. As for the statement I admit I am an open hypocrite. Some are associating with people I don't like at all, and here I say let me be but at the same time I chastise those I don't like. I can't help it, it's human nature (I guess) but there's very very few people I don't like. I'd say in all honesty, when it came down to it and the daily drama that is life is wiped away there's really only 2 people I don't enjoy their company. They've both done something to either me or someone I know and I'm not okay with it. (If you really have to try and find out if I'm talking about you...don't waste your breathe) (4.) Anyways...I just wait sit here now quietly waiting for the summer and the warmth because that's when I'll able to be escape and not have to deal with who I'm around or what I'm doing. As for the next five days I can only pray something else doesn't happen or I may need to snap in my addiction a bit sooner than planned.

No one knows

She's crying in the kitchen
He's holding her
She's gone through it so many times
She's seen how it will destroy this family

It makes it so hard not to cry
I need an escape
I need you to help me
This isn't what I want
Help me.
Get me out of here

It begins with a dark glowing ember

Something black burning it's way out of me



So Mr. Hit & Run
How does it feel?
To know you and I are on the same path
Except your almost 50 and I'm almost 20


I can't keep telling myself
What I wanna hear
I can't just close
I know that it's killing me
And it's poisoning me the best in me
What I see I don't want to believe
So let me tell you more
Tell you more
About the lies I lead

its sad
I guess
to recognize a problem
but not have the will to do anything about it

Suck me down
It's time to rock & roll
Let's hit the bars
Let's loose control

Yes I can see it
But do I care?

But I digress
After all this...
You're just like all the rest

Never have I asked
For it
But I'm left
With it

Maybe his punishment will be worse than mine
I preach the same thing
About drinking and driving
But I do it just like everyone else
When there's nothing left to do


I don't care really
It's summer
& for once
I'm not gonna let all of this get to me
Save for this last thing

Fuck you
You fucking hypocrite
You accuse me of doing coke and being a fucking druggie
I get why you did it
And it worked quite honestly
But you fucking shook me just like he did
And now you've got a hit and run when you're drunk?
Fuck you.
Fuck all of you.

The Sun

I didn't sleep last night
Usually I'd be in bed by now...trying to sleep
But this time

It's different
I don't want to sleep
It's not like I have anything planned for tomorrow

Bring it on
I want to see the sun again
Hope my body can take it.

5:23

Flowing throw my head all around me I comprehend the restless nights that I suffer the endless torments that I bare but to no avail do I complain because there is so much more to gain I have seen the darkest dark and wish to see the brightest light I will not take away your flight I'll let you soar so high in the air where no one can stand to bare your happiness is all I ask so please do not take off my black mask I stand behind cause it gives me pride and backbone that I feel I do not have otherwise I would be but no better than that there man who sits next to you I am one and I am alone confined to nothing more than a drone but I'm comfortable in my endless rest that never seems to begin stemming from a problem bigger than you or i is the planetary value of my own blue sky i see it rise everyday and wonder how can it all be so calm so serene so beautifully divine and yet still obscene how can you wake and not see how perplexed i am by life itself maybe it's time to stop questioning it all and just relax because is the time for that and those these and this him and her we and they she and their if i've lost you then i did my part now it's time to let it start

Cut it off Cut it off

I'd kill for an adventure
Just you and I, in the Curzon Bar
Dancing till we knew
So all that we've learned disappears

When you shouted at me
I saw my father

There's a suspected terrorist in our midst

I felt what it was like
To feel death
And even if I was no where near it
I will never
want to be that close again
Goodnight & Goodluck
And thank you
For caring

The Funeral

When I find myself in times of trouble, mother Mary comes to me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
And in my hour of darkness she is standing right in front of me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.

Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be.
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.

And when the broken hearted people living in the world agree,
there will be an answer, let it be.
For though they may be parted there is still a chance that they will see,
there will be an answer. let it be.

Let it be, let it be

And when the night is cloudy, there is still a light, that shines on me,
shine until tomorrow, let it be.
I wake up to the sound of music, mother Mary comes to me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.

Let it be, let it be

[Insert New Post, May 6th 2008, 11:46AM]

My birthday's this month, then i'll be 19
It's not to exciting I mean 18 is a big number...so is 17
But nothing really stand out about 19
I can buy tobacco products. Like i couldn't already, a few places will let me buy booze. Big Woop.

I'm holding out for this last week of school but i have no idea what I'm supposed to do after, maybe i'll find a job. Well I guess I have too. Stupid shit, I'd rather just lay on the beach and not have to worry about money

There's a lot left to say but I'm starting to ask myself if it's worth it. Should I tell them what happened? Would it even change anything? This won't be my last post ever, but this will be the last post with this reflective attitude. It's clear that my views on what not don't matter too much. I don't even hold them in such high regard anymore. Anyways...I had a good run I guess

but it's time to start something new, I'll leave this post with this:

{I edited this. I was gonna put up some lyrics but I don't think that'll really affect anyone as much as I want it to. So instead I'll reflect because if this is going to be the last reflection I figure it better be pretty damn good. Problem is I don't really know how to word my view on everything that's happened. I miss a lot of people, the way we used to be, the way things were but I also know that past isn't coming back so I'm trying to make the best of things that are going on now, and I won't lie, it's hard. If I could somehow hold these feelings in I would believe me I've tried but it helps, even just a little to type these thoughts down so that I think someone out there reads them and cares. It's hard to describe what I want to happen but I'll pretend I'm on my deathbed and act like I have to tell the truth. As of right now, I'm undecided and very confused about my feelings. I am constantly depressed but I can turn it around and make things seem a little brighter, I guess I was blessed with that ability. Some will say I don't have a lot to be depressed about and I'll say the same about them but it's come to me that it's not about what someone else thinks, an that everyone handles things very differently. If I were asked where it all stemmed from I could give the obvious answer but I don't know if I'd be telling the truth. Yeah it's hard to not have a dad but I couldn't imagine life with him anymore, I don't think I'd really care as much as I do now. My mom has taught me that even though the world is evil and it's constantly trying to bring you down, there's always something you can do to make sure it never gets you down enough. I don't know how I've managed to get by because I almost constantly draw on the negative side of life. I live a white lie but it's helping me get by for now. Thought some nights I'm pretty sure it's the last time I'm ever gonna type something and yes in case you didn't know I have tried. A few of you do know but that's not really important. In fact I can't figure out what I'm trying to say but all this typing is relieving some tension in me which I'll probably build up once again after I'm done. In any case, this a real this wasn't something I planned, I just sat down, before I start working out and just started typing. I don't want to end it like I normally would but I do want to

I waited all day but the phone...well it never rang.

I don't mean the hate
That I portray in these entries.
I certainly don't mean anything by it
It isn't me

I'm just unhappy
What I want
More than anything

Is for you to forget about me.
I want you
And everyone else
Who I've hurt
To just forget me

I need a new start
I'm falling apart
There's a hole in my heart
& I can't say why
All I can do is just try to get by
But I'm slipping away
I'm slipping away
It's only just a matter
It's only just a matter of time
Before I slip away

Oh baby, it's raining, raining.

Tonight things will be different
Tonight things will be as real as I can ever make them.
I'm drunk
And remorseful
And well I basically fucking hate myself tonight

So when you read this
Maybe you'll know I wasn't just putting on some fucking show.
I didn't want to do what I did but fucking look around you.
Think about what happened and just fucking realize that I had nothing
Absolutely fucking nothing there
So no
I didn't stay
And I drove fucking home
Because I'm a fucking car wreck anyway
It's been true since the day I fucked everything up

I hate my life
I hate my lifestyle
I'm constantly depressed
I will never ever do anything to change it
I reject people when they try to help
If you offer I will only feel weak and be even more mad
So
Just
What
The
Fuck
Can
I
Do
To
Stop
It?

Nothing.

At all.

"That's a lie"
You'll say
But give me a break
You think
That I know what I did that night

I don't.
I don't know who I was
But I was on a mission
And while I did it
I fucking threw whatever was left of me away

Know that I don't live like I used to



I'm nothing
You
All of you for that matter
Are seeing this
And I wonder what you think about it
I wonder what you'll say
If you have the courage to.
Hope ya don't...not gonna lie.

I give up
Told you my happiness wouldn't last.
This is...what you all wanted right?
A breakdown?
It's just not interesting to read about happiness

So here.
fuck it all.



Best thing is.
When I wake up
and once I'm sober

I'll act like I never typed it
And it will never matter

Hope...that's good enough for you all.
hahahahahahah











































FUCK IT.
i'm sorry
If you could never
If I could just vanish
Things would be better
Maybe I should.

It helps me to not feel so alone

It's a draw really.
I'm happy when I can be
And depressed I'm not
So if I am joyous for once
Can I enjoy it?


Don't think you're holding me back
I just want everyone to understand

I'm just trying to get along with everything
Because if I focus on the bad things
I'll fall apart, I'll be absolutely miserable

So for the time being
Before things get a lot worse
Which...I know they will

Let's just enjoy what we have
What little we have
What little connection we still have
Let's just enjoy all that we have
However little it may be.




So can we try?
It's all I'm asking
Just to try
Please.







































Told you I'll be here forever
Said I'll always be a friend
Took an oath &I'ma stick it out till the end

Like ping pong balls

This may be a bit pretentious
But try to understand...?