The day I broke my own heart

Was the same day as...

This is incredibly hard.

I can't say it, but maybe he can.
Why yes he can indeed.
The scientist knows what I have to say to you.
Don't get mad at him though for what he says
You can disregard it, if you like
But know I cannot say it myself
He can,
the scientist











I'm sorry.
I'm just trying to figure out life.
It's not working out too well though.

I'll put this in writing so you can understand it

I took these pills
So I don't have to feel tonight.

I said a prayer once
I begged for God or whomever to listen.

I asked that in exchange for my happiness
He grant you peace and a good life.

He held up my part of the bargain
I just wish that you could be happy.

I'll never forgive myself for what I did
& I think it's destroying me now.

I'm sinking
So low
& I wonder if it's time
To just let go






I'm sorry
I miss you
I'd do anything just to feel again.
I can't even say what I really want to.

Underneath it all

Haven't posted in a while, nothing's got me stirred up like usual.
I stopped eating?
Not really but in the past two days I've had a bagel with porkroll & cheese and a slice of pizza.
That's it haha
Last weekend was good, had fun for the most part on friday, and saturday, don't remember sunday but I'm sure it was fun.

anyways
I don't really have much to say right now
Except,

And it's he who looks on
The one who grabbed a gun

He strays away from any love
And plunges deeper into madness

His whole life he's wondered
If anyone still cares

When all the meanwhile
He just gives them blank stares

He curses and shouts
Kicks and screams

His eyes begin to water
With tears of all his dreams

He says life is lost
And that his must be the worst

But he never looked to his brother
And truly saw the cost

And now after a few odd years
Here we are again, shedding open tears

In this game
In this life
Filled with drama
And reckless strife

So few can see
Can understand
Or comprehend
What pain really is

One thing not to do
Which will never ever work

Take it out on those who listen
Or you'll be in the dark.
















I keep having a dream
I'm having multiple dreams over & over
But one is staying in my head
And it's about you
I hope you'll know

This is for you.

I'm sorry for how I handled things
Between us.
It's been keeping me up at night
Trying to understand the pain
And I just have to say
It's killing me
I'll never be able to tell you
Again
How much you meant to me
Because
It'll never make a difference
but
You,
You were
everything
And now
I'm nothing

I don't want
the past
It's too far gone
for me
at least
but know this
If I could've
learned
to
do it
differently
and tried
to understand
I would've

And so
I leave you
with this



"An ounce of peace is all I want for you
...
And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face
...
Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you"

To him

Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone.
Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone,
Please come back home...
Please come back home...
Please come back home...
Please come back home...
Please come back home...

Dear Diary

Dear Diary, do you know what it's like to be alone?
To have someone that you're not able to hold.

Dear Diary, do you know what it feels like to die?
To have someone tell you that they would cry.

Dear Diary, can you make my dreams come true?
To not put them down and make fun of you.

Dear Diary, will you show me that there is hope?
To be there and guide me when I cannot cope.

Dear Diary,
What will happen when I'm gone?
When will people notice?
How will I be able to tell?
Where can I go to escape this hell?

Dear Diary,
To make sure I am not forgotten.
To make sure I am recognized.
To make sure I am aware.
For that last one I cannot show,
Because even as the diary, I do not know.

Little piece of me

Everything you've ever seen
Faded away like a beautiful dream

Holding hands with all that is perfect
A cloud of desire that makes it all worth it

Do you want me to show up at all
If you did would you even tell me

And finally could you show me the reason
For hanging on when there was nothing to live for

Could you show me where I can find perfect
It's been so long since the I've heard the word and


Everything you've ever told me was
More than it's worth it


Hold my hand
Let me come along

There's more to me than
I have yet to show you...

This is a message

This is a call to arms

Everything's Magic
Reach out your hand and I'll make you mine

Let this begin
Stars fall like dust

We speak too much

If I ask you once will you ask me every year?
Do you feel alive?

Nervous like a knife fight
Be careful what you ask for

Carry you higher
Watch our words
Spread like fire
Secret Crowds
Rise up and Gather

The stars in the sky illuminate below
The light is the sign that love will guide you home
The stars in the sky illuminate below
If the world were to die, the light would guide you

If you hear a distant sound.
And some footsteps by your side.
If you feel like coming round.
I will take you for a ride.
If you wish it
Wish it now.

Everyday I wake
I tell myself a little harmless lie
The whole wide world is mine

Heaven must be just like this








Please stay
Don't go







I've got you now
Are you curious?





























I can do anything
If you want me here
And I fix anything
If you let me near

The ash set in then blew away
It's getting lost into the sea
I grew so close to all the thoughts I had,
To leave forever
I left the chill and voice of screams and kids
And ran for shelter





You know I won't say sorry
The pain has a bad reaction
A blend of fear and passion
You know what it's like to believe
It makes me wanna scream







































































And here we go
Life's waiting to begin...

It hurts to know you're here still

Fighting myself isn't working out but neither is fighting anyone else. I hope everything works out soon, I was honestly getting excited about what could happen but I've pretty much lost faith in anything with it. Perhaps it's my mentality that's holding me back, or maybe it really isn't me. I doubt I'll ever learn.



But I do know one thing.
And I'm actually surprising the shit out of myself by saying it

I don't care that these blogs are scattered because
in reality
I am scattered

I don't like to hold on to one thought for too long
It gets boring, sometimes depressing


I don't have to be anything
I am not labeled
Even though it feels like it


I am not.
I am just me

I am undeniable
I am incredible
I am invincible

And I will not let
Anyone
Stand in my way


I thank you for talking to me
And reading these
And listening
You know who you are
&
I will always talk to you
And listen





Back to before.

Fear me
For I am unstable

Understand me
For I am damaged

Help me
&
No matter how far I stray
I'll always be there.






















& that's all he wrote...

4 Ghosts

It's been more than fourteen years since I've known who you are. From everything I've heard, you're just as two sided as I am. I hear about your troubles and your flaws, but also how you're such a good person. I wonder how that's possible but I see it in me. I don't think either of us know just to what extent our decisions carry but it seems like they have rippling effects. I guess I make my bad decisions based on my idea that I can brush off whatever sadness overcomes me. It's the life and mentality of an addict, of somehow who's lost touch with what really makes them happy. For example, I never was the athletic type, but after being outside today, and working out here and there, I see that I enjoy it. I guess I never knew that, there's still so much to me that I don't know about myself. Probably because I'm still young in the eyes of the world, but it won't be like that for much longer, just a couple of years and I'll apparently have my life figured out and ready to go. I just don't see it happening though.
I wish I could express myself and my unconscious thoughts in this medium rather than in art of lyrical form. I need to tell my story, I need someone to hear it. I need to not make up anything and let the truth flow out of me like the fullest waterfall. It's just a little depressing that I don't feel like I can find that person.





























How I wish
Everything would work
Like it used to
Please understand

My life just isn't the same
Everything has gone away