Just like me...you can't win

Just like CocaCola this blog is classic.
















































In the shadow of the lake
There once was a man
Who could never ever call home

He waited by the stop
Looked away and it dropped
Picturing the great statue of Rome

Gone and born again
He waits for someone to call
But now in the darkness
He is alone
Broken by place they call home


Given the chance
He ran for sun
He took off and left it to die

Signing he only he
Could be a Marine
And wait for his sister to die

But now in the shadow
He waits for the call
To reunite with the fall
And shallows out tomorrow


I remember him once
In a group with a bunch
Only signing about how much he knew

And the shadow of tomorrow
Will come for his dreary soul
It'll take him away
And make them all pay
For the trouble caused by the sorrow

In the shadow of tomorrow
The shadow of tomorrow

With one final word
He scoffed at the absurd
And wrote off tomorrow

The shadow of tomorrow.

The Soldier's Side

People all grow up to die, or so we're told. I want to live and not regret. I feel like I've grown up in a way but not necessarily in a good way. I'm so cold towards emotion and what goes on around me. It's like I've grown up never expecting life to be anything more than miserable. If something good happens, then I take it, usually go as far as I can with it until it burns out and sure enough, it does. I've made so many idiotic and small meaningless mistakes but that's all anyone ever looks at in me. Some kind of mistake, parents think I'm just another lost cause, and people my age look at me like just an average joe. And the worst part of it all, I'm about ready to just give up and agree. Look at my eyes and notice there's no light in them. Everytime I look in the mirror I see myself and feel like I'm just getting old. So old I'll be forgotten soon. I hate the world around me, I wish. No there's no point in wishing...at least not now. I just wonder what everyone else does when they're at the edge and ready to give up. I know i'm not the only one who feels like this but it's just damning to feel like i'm all alone and there isn't a soul who cares. I believe in a few people, and that they care, but mostly I've given up on life. I feel like I'm on the outside of everything, and I'm just watching the world around me crumble. I don't want a miracle for me, I don't think it's real. All I want, All I'm asking for. From anyone, anything.

To help
To listen
To fix their lives
To make sure

They aren't a tragedy

I collide

I see you.



Go on.



Between us.



You are.

















Once more into the fire
Once more into the fray
Tonight I pray
I do not fall into desire


There's a terrible feeling in my brain
No longer sane
I'm not okay
&
I'm wondering where you are.

Jesus won't you fucking whistle

This will be darker
A little 'scattered'
& a little 'centered'

Why can't we just be sober?
I just want to start this over.

Why can't we drink forever?
I just want to start things over.

I still have a lot on my mind. About life, about you and I. About everything in general. At one end I'm completely okay with where things are headed because, well, they don't look bad. On the other though I can see myself getting lost into something I know I don't want. I'm going to have to draw a line at some point but I'm not entirely sure I can do that. It's frustrating, infuriating, down right degrading that I can't get a handle on my own life.

Fuck it then.

I am without a doubt, a split personality. Unfortunately I am so many persons it's incredibly hard for me to distinguish any real difference. It's possible the reason is because that I'm not, and I'm just one whole person and all of these feelings make me into one whole being. Which I'd like to think.



I don't really like that paragraph. Start Anew.





I'm not a really good person sometimes. Really scummy, the kind of thing I hate. However as much as I put myself down I don't feel I deserve it.

FUCK THAT.
way to personal

As you can see I am extremely scattered. I'm trying to keep a cool level head. I figured the new place I tried to write this would work. It's not.

No no no
Again you've got it wrong.

an attempt on your life has been made.
Are you ready

Maybe this will work. Fiction.



















I've come home again late. Ready to pass out but you're still up. You look at me as I stumble and tell you I'm tired and that I have a headache but you don't buy it. So you storm upstairs pissed that I drove. I feel like just going to bed and just forgetting about what you feel.


But I don't, I go upstairs and talk to you. I let it out and it drains me. The next day I feel better though.

































FUCK
It's not working today, just to much
Blah blah blah this
& Blah blah blah that
And Blah blah OMG did you hear
and NO I DIDN!
SHOO' WAH SHE SAY?



oh no he didn'!

I am just a worthless liar
I am just an imbecile
I will only complicate you
Trust in me and fall as well


I will find a center in you
I will chew it up and leave,
I will work to elevate you
Just enough to bring you down.


Trust me


Mother Mary won't you whisper









Trust in me and fall as well.

been a while

Weekend was good.
Haven't posted in a while, I will later.
Peace.

Valentine's Day<3

I'm so totally fucking emo sweet for making a post on Valentine's Day.
Like oh my god...I can't even get over it.




But hey wait...
I didn't.
Ah fuck.
Guess I'm not so sweet afterall...?

but in reality,
I did do a post on valentine's day.
But it wasn't about love or anything like that
It was about whether or not posting something that has nothing to do with valentine's day counts
as being emo and posting on valentine's day
However since the entire post has actually been about valentine's day and how i'm not emo for not posting anything to do with valentine's day on valentine's day,
I must be emo in a sense.
But I digress

Maybe now you see just
how fucking crazy I am.





Was that emo?
Or was he just trying to be funny?


I didn't really laugh



& I definitely just referred to myself
in the 3rd person.






























FREEDOM!
FOREVER!

Can you be so...

You're wonderfully
naive
Yet you've got several
tricks up your sleeve.
How you can still pretend
And act like you want to make amends
Is beyond what I can comprehend

I hate you
and everything you do

Usually I'd keep that kind of poem going but I'm starting to think I'm wasting all my creative energies on that subject. Time for a change.





P.s.

Fuck Tomorrow.

"Poetic Justice"

Have you ever loved someone so much you'd give an arm for


When they know they're your heart and you're their armor

What happens when you become the main source of a pain

And when I'm gone
Just carry on
Don't mourn rejoice
Every time you the hear the sound of my voice
Just know that I'm looking down on you smiling
And I didn't feel a thing
So baby don't feel my pain just smile back

As we were so perfect, so happy
They'll remember only our smiles
Cause that's all they've seen

So let mercy come
and wash away
What I've done

And I realize that empty words are not enough
I'm left here with the question of just
What have I to show except the promises I never kept?

Here comes the rain again
Falling from the stars
Drenched in my pain again
Becoming who we are

And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I know you well enough to know you'll never love me
Hoping for the best just hoping nothing happens

I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

How I wish, How I wish
You were here

And in this moment I am happy...happy
I wish you were here

Slightly Unaware

The last post was different, very different, if you actually have been reading this. I don't even know if anyone is, but I'd like to think someone is. Preferably someone I don't know. However, I want to reiterate certain points from the last post:

• I've grown weary of the world
• I want to change but in a better way
• I believe that certain people are becoming something they're not
• That hurts me more than anything really

If you've read my first post then you know that it was scattered and confused, and I wasn't about to be like all the other blog posts out there and complain.
Well it seems like I've gone back on that somewhat, perhaps a full 180, I don't know.
I'm still scattered, and very confused as to what I want these posts to be.
Maybe I really want that one person to notice this.
And I'll say it here & now.

I don't even know who that person is anymore
I though I knew who I want it to be but in reality,
I'm just looking for someone to take notice.
Who knows if it'll happen.

If you're wondering, I didn't finish my list
I don't think I have to recap for you.
Goodbye

How I feel.

Lately, I've been trying to figure out why things the way they are. It's become extremely clear that life isn't how we're taught. If Karma does exist, then why does it take so long to catch up? Why do people who do terrible things get away with it while good people struggle to get by everyday life? I've watched good people get hurt, and bad people strive. It destroys me and makes me question why is it even worth it to try to be a good person. There are things I want to believe...that in reality, people are good. But it's hard.

I myself have lost the way I want to be. It's painful but there's nothing I can seem to do about it. It truly feels like we live in a world where it's every man for himself, that no matter how much we say we care, we have to look out for ourselves first. Some would say that's how it should be, it's basic instinct. I don't care what you call it, we have enough brain capacity to know what's right and wrong, yet we choose wrong because it's easier. It's sickeningly pathetic. I'm not out to preach, I make my own choices, and believe me, I take my easy way out plenty of times. I'm only 18 but I feel like I have a wealth of knowledge, I know I don't but I still look at myself as wise. Others might criticize me for being silly, or dumb, but they are just ignorant. Sure, I don't excel at math, or whatever the common point for judging intelligence is these days, but I know I've got a lot more fucking creativity and poetic justice than most of these ingrates can muster in their whole life time.

That...leads me to another problem. Judging, we all do it despite our best efforts if we try not to. I hate it, but I do it openly and freely. This is what I'm talking about, I'm loosing faith in this whole humanity and life as a whole. If you ever wanted to see a free fall of someone not believing in a greater good, a balance, it's right here. In theses words, in this webpage. And it breaks my heart. It sucks how people can grow apart, and forget, just like that. I can't so easily, I hold onto many things, I remember what happens and it sticks with me. Maybe you can let it go, and say that it's about time I do too but I can't. Many of you mean to much to let those old memories go and allow the new ones to take over. The old ones are better, because I can remember when I did believe that there was balance. I...am not a good person, I wish to be by nature, but by action I am far from it. I guess that's why I try so hard to show some people that I care, for those I feel deserve it at least. Others, I leave you in the dust and you know why. It's because you've become something you're not. Or perhaps I feel I caused it and then I refuse to feed into anymore so I cut off all ties.

It's this lifestyle, it's these choices. I hate it all, and I wish it were how it could be. I'm trying to change, but it's a slow and tedious process. I say tedious because much more of me does not want to go through with it than the part that does. My ultimate goal in life, no matter how I achieve it, is to be martyr. In sounds odd, yeah, but to die for a cause you believe in, is probably one of the bravest things you can do. I wish people would do what they truly believe in and not buy into everything around them.

We, as friends, as people, as family, do not have to be physically strong, mentally greater, consistently intoxicated, completely infatuated with being better. We do not have prove ourselves to one another, because we all know that every single person brings something to the table, whether it be the comedian, the realist, the guy that everyone just likes to be around, the pretty girl, the basket case. It's time, and it has always been this time, that we recognize who we want to really be, and not who society deems us we should be. We do not have to buy into everyone's gimmicks, we must stand together as a group of friends, as a family who are by nature, completely different. I truly believe that we let go of all the feelings of shame and guilt for what we want to do and who we want to be that we as a group would be better. To hold a grudge against someone for past deeds should become irrelevant, it is time to break all those chords, those 'mystic chords' and accept each other for the real person inside all of us. I know, logically speaking that many people will not do this, that if they hear or read this they will scoff at it and denounce me as nothing more than a mere 'idiot.' But it isn't them I'm trying to get my message to, it's the people who want to believe that there is balance. I am here with you now, letting you know that if you stay true to what you honestly believe, and never strive from that idea just because you are afraid of what your neighbor might say, then you are the bravest, and most noble person there is. Do not stray from your heart, follow it. Do not abandon the people you truly care about, chances are if you care about them that much, the feeling is mutual.

"We are not enemies but friends.
We must not be enemies."

Tired

There's not much to talk about today
Maybe later but not right now...
Still the same old gripes but I'm...calm about it right now

And very tired
I'll probably write more tonight or tomorrow




But still I wonder if they know who they are...?

They should, my message is clear

Blank...numb...and filled with hate

Anger is a word, it's a feeling. It's a mind set. I'm angry. I have anger in the most literal sense. But I'm so lost that anger doesn't seem to matter. I lift when I'm angry. It definitely helps. I'm heart broken. You see, no, I can't get into it.

maybe I can.
This will be more personal than the others.

Yesterday was my dad's birthday. I had the chance but I didn't want to wish him a happy birthday. I told myself I'd do it today, and guess what I didn't. I'm not going to lie to myself and pretend I'll call him tomorrow. I won't.

I can't do this.
There's more, way more...but typing this doesn't feel right.
No closing lyrics...nothing.
Just...empty

It's none of my concern
But did you even notice that we've changed?
I tried to let you know
Hell one of our friends even said the same.
I'm falling.
Falling.



And now I'm in over my head
For something I said
Completely misread I'm better off dead

Please understand
This isn't just goodbye
This is I can't stand you
This is where the road
Crashed into the ocean
It rises all around me
A thousand faces will choose to ignore
Curse my enemies forever
Let's slit our wrists and burn down something beautiful

Liars and Thieves

Some of you make me sick
Especially a certain few
You think somehow you're more important
You're better than the rest

I have no problem with confidence
I think it builds character
But there's a line that's crossed sometimes
It turns into arrogance

I'm avoiding some of these people
And talking to the others
You'll never know who you are
Until I finally tell you

Here's just a few things you've done:
You've lied about what you'll do in your future
You've betrayed and lost the trust of friends
You've done things you swore you wouldn't

Go ahead and guess at who you are
I don't even care if you ask
Chances are I'm not going to tell you
But you'll learn one day what I really think

I'm changing
I'm becoming something else in order to deal with this
You're going to be afraid
Just like I told you to be

I hope you start to change before I'm ready
I hope you show some kind of direction
And make sure you're back on track
Because I'm ready to break

I'm ready to become something I don't want to be
In order to deal with all this












I'm trying to make it through each day
I'm falling apart now in every way
I'm finding it harder to get by
There's a hole in my heart
And I don't know why
Now I've come to realize
















I'm slipping away

My Wrath

I'm not going to do anything but fucking bitch and complain in this one. I'm gonna tear you apart and make you feel like the worthless pieces of shit you all really are. Back the fuck off and let me run my own life. I don't need you self absorbed bullshit.

You always think it's about you. Get the fuck over yourself

Another thing, if you all don't fucking back off of not only me but someone else. I swear to God I'll rip each and everyone of your throats out. You're pissing me off and you're hurting that person.

Leave that person alone. They don't involve you
I've lost faith in you. You who always tells me your there for me. You who says you couldn't live without me. I want you to fuck off. I want you to leave me alone and never come back. You've made everyone hate me. You're turned around my life and made sure I'll do anything you ask. You know you're in power and you use it against me. I've said it before and I'll say it again

You ruined my life. Are you happy now?

One final bit. One final explosion. I hurt two people. Really fucked them up grand. One was already mentioned. The one all of you are supposed to leave alone. In reality, it was two both of them. Leave them alone. To those two, all I have to say is this.

I'm sorry & I love you both. I never meant to hurt you.

I can't keep going like this. I hate you all, except for a few. You're sick. The world is sick. Everything in this world is fucking disgusting. Find what ever the fuck you can that you think is real and pray to God it doesn't leave. It will though. And you'll eventually have to find something new. Go to hell.



And when you're there...

I'm going to be there waiting.
And I'm going to make sure everything you ever did to me
Is returned 10 fold.





You fucking son of a bitch.

Where'd you go?

Who knows if I'll continue these ideas
These words
These thoughts.

Lately, life's been nothing but a giant mess. A confusing, and...

That wasn't me. If it was, I don't remember me. It's very possible that what I type here is a complete lie. I will not use fancy, overly descriptive words to convey what I feel. I use simple language because I think it's how I am. Simple. Maybe I'm complex, maybe. But it doesn't really matter to me. My thoughts are sporadic, I act like an addict.

Till my legs give out
And my high burns out

Who fucking cares what I have to say.
Do you really think it matters?

I've wanted to do things now for so long. Things I'll never, ever do. I hate it. I hate me.

Perhaps one day.

Where'd you go? K.
I miss you so.


You've changed. I know I have but you have worse. You've become what you think you're not. You say things to me you pretend you mean. You're cold. You're cruel.

And in a few days I'm going to tell you.


To go back home.